My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
