Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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