i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
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Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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