I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i was born a porn star she said
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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