I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
