I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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