And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
