Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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