I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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