I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
