when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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