Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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