I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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