I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
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