Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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