just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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