He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
