we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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