Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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