If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
