It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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