Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
