at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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