Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
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She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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