Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
