Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My bed is full of blood and feathers
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
