if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
