if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
They are going to name an STD after you.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
