Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
