have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
