from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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