This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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