If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Randomize
