Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
