Soap is not a condiment
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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