I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Drunk is a universal language darling
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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