She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
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