i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
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My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
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This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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