Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
