I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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