My Higher Power is John Stamos
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
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You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
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You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
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