After last night, I could never be a politician.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
