Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
