Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Randomize
