I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
