listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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