i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize