On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
