i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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