I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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