worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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