im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
